Beer Run
by writeallnight
Summary: Deeks makes a quick stop at the bar after hours and finds far more than he bargained for.


A/N: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But it had to be done.

* * *

"Just go get beer from the bar baby. It's closer than the store baby. Please baby?" Deeks mimicked Kensi's voice as he used his keys to unlock the door of the bar.

They'd come home to find the house devoid of food and drink of any kind. It had been Kensi's week to shop and it should have been her responsibility to go out and forage for dinner and beer, but she'd smiled at him and whispered some things in his ear and here he was at 11:00 pm on a Sunday night, stealing beer from his own bar.

He opened the back door and was surprised to find the all the lights still on. "Seriously Mama?" he grumbled as he walked into the back room. "How hard is it to turn off the lights when you leave? It's literally on the closing checklist. I swear I should have hired some college student, at least they'd be cheaper."

There was a thump from the dining room. Deeks froze, his hand going automatically to his hip, which was void of his duty weapon because Kensi had relieved him of it, along with a few other items of clothing, while she was convincing him to come down here.

He looked around and grabbed a bottle of tequila, realized how much it cost, and put it back, grabbing a cheaper bottle instead. There was another thump as he crept toward the door. Where the hell was Callen? What good was it to have a special agent sleeping over your bar if he didn't show up in an emergency?

Taking a deep breath he shoved the kitchen door open and burst into the dining room. "All right! Show me your hands!" he yelled.

There was an extremely loud thump and a squeal from behind the pool table. "Nice and slow," Deeks yelled as a head began appearing over the edge. "That's—MAMA?!"

"Martin?" His mother's face was flushed, her hair tousled.

"Mama, what the he—ARKADY?!" he yelped as a second face popped up.

"Hello Martin." Arkady buttoned his shirt and helped Roberta to her feet. "Is nice to see you this evening."

"Wha—" Deeks stared at the two of them, trying to make his brain catch up. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Well, dear, I was just, closing up the bar…" Roberta began, still trying to fix her hair.

"From on top of the pool table?!" Deeks cried.

"Arkady came over to talk about karaoke night," Roberta said calmly.

"Karaoke night? What karaoke night? We don't have karaoke night."

"Well that's why we were talking about it. Arkady had the idea to start one. I think it would be a great moneymaker for the bar, a draw for the younger crowd."

"Yes it would be very profitable for you," Arkady broke in. "I would host evening and all the people would have so much fun. Brings in college students."

"It's really brilliant. There's nothing like it in this neighborhood," Roberta told him.

"Okay, yeah maybe we could table that for a staff meeting," Deeks said. "Mama how do you even know Arkady?"

"Well Arkady comes in to visit your friend Callen who lives upstairs," Roberta said. "And occasionally he stays for a drink. We started chatting and one thing led to another and…"

"Your mother is very interesting woman," Arkady said with a bright smile. "She has many talents."

Deeks' head was spinning. "So you…the two of you you're…together?"

"Well we don't like to put labels on it," Roberta said. "We're just enjoying ourselves."

"On my pool table," Deeks said. "Oh god. I'm gonna be sick."

"Federal agent!" The door to the upstairs crashed open and Callen appeared, gun drawn.

"Oh my god!" Roberta jumped as Arkady pulled her close.

"Do not shoot Callen!" Arkady said loudly, a hand outstretched as if that would stop a bullet. "It is only I, your good friend Arkady and bar manager Roberta."

"Oh for the love of…now is when you decide to come down here?" Deeks asked.

"Arkady?" Callen holstered his weapon. "What's going on?"

"Apparently, thanks to you, Arkady is…he's…" Deeks couldn't finish his sentence.

"Oh for god's sake Martin, Arkady and I are just getting to know one another," Roberta said with a roll of her eyes.

"ALL. OVER. MY. POOL TABLE," Deeks said through gritted teeth.

"Oh," Callen said, clearly wishing he'd stayed upstairs.

"Oh? That's what you have to say?" Deeks rounded on him. "You're the freaking bar security system. I let you live here so we don't have this kind of problem!"

"You let me live here because I pay rent," Callen pointed out.

"Maybe we should just go home," Roberta said.

"Oh no. No, no, no," Deeks said. "No one is going anywhere until we talk about this."

"What's there to talk about?" Callen asked. "Roberta and Arkady are two consenting adults."

"Not helping, you are _not_ helping!" Deeks hissed at him.

"Martin, quite frankly it's not your business who I'm seeing. I don't know why we have to have this conversation every time I'm with someone new," Roberta said.

"Okay first of all it's my business because you're my mom. Second of all it's my business because you're doing it IN MY BAR after hours!"

"All right, fine, we'll see each other somewhere else. Will that make you happy?"

"No it will not! Mama you don't know a single thing about Arkady!"

"Of course I do! He's an excellent singer. Very fond of Russian vodka." She looked at him fondly.

"Is only good kind of vodka. All other vodka is for weak men," Arkady said.

"He's also a very good dancer," Roberta added. "And a good listener."

"You are too kind," Arkady said giving her a kiss.

"Okay, nope, no, enough of that." Deeks pushed his way in between them. "You've reached your quota for tonight."

"Well I think it's very sweet," Callen said. "You have my blessing."

"No, what? No blessings! No good feelings of any kind!" Deeks said.

Arkady was beaming. "I knew I could count on best friend Callen!"

"I think that's my cue," Callen said. "Goodnight everyone."

"And it's our cue too," Roberta said. "Goodnight Martin, I'll see you on Tuesday. Arkady, you'll come in to talk more about this brilliant karaoke idea?"

"Of course," Arkady said. "My time is always available for you, lovely woman."

"We should have you sing at the wedding," Roberta said.

"It would be my honor," Arkady said seriously.

They left arm in arm, still chatting away. Deeks looked around. What the hell had just happened?

* * *

"What took you so long?" Kensi asked when Deeks finally walked in the door. She'd given up waiting for him in bed and had thrown on sweatpants so she could hang out with Monty on the couch. "Where's the booze?"

Deeks looked down at his empty hands. "Oh."

"Oh?" Kensi raised her eyebrows. "You're gone for an hour and you come back with…no beer?"

"I…." He sank down onto the couch and dropped his head into his hands.

Kensi sat up, now growing legitimately concerned. "Deeks? Baby. Hey! What's going on?"

"Ardy," he mumbled.

"What?" Kensi asked. "I can't hear you."

He raised his head. "Arkady."

"Arkady?" Kensi shook her head in surprise. That definitely wasn't a name she'd expected to hear tonight. "Huh?"

By the time he'd spilled out the entire story Kensi felt like she was going to burst from not laughing. She clapped a hand over her mouth and tried to hold it in. "How can you laugh about this?" he asked, aghast.

"Because it's a little funny," she said.

"It is not funny! My mother is using my bar as some kind of sex palace! And Callen's just letting it freaking happen!"

She couldn't hold it in any longer. "I just wish I had been there," she gasped. "Your face must have been priceless!"

He got to his feet in a huff. "Well thanks for the support."

"Oh no, oh baby come on!" She followed him into the kitchen. "I'm sorry. It must have been very upsetting."

"Yeah, a little bit."

"Do you want to go have revenge sex on your mom's couch to get back at them?"

"No." He thought for a moment. "Maybe."

She put her arms around his waist. "It's going to be all right. It's just going to take a little adjustment."

"Adjustment to what?"

"Well," she smiled and tenderly brushed his hair back from his face, "adjustment to the fact that Arkady is going to be your new daddy."

He glared at her. "I hate you."

"You don't, you love me!" she yelled after him as he stalked from the room. She looked down at Monty. "He loves me. And his new daddy."

* * *

A/N: On second thought, I regret nothing. Everything is better with Arkady. Leave your love in the reviews!


End file.
